cinemetrics:

final oscar predictions.

• B1: the artist takes fucking everything. jean dujardin breaks silence to ask "...and what?". everyone goes to get drunk and watch melies pictures at marty's.
• B2: alex payne accepts award for screenplay, gives speech on how pain is no less real in hollywood. "oscar prestige can go fuck itself". terrence malick disrobes invisible cloak to be revealed standing behind him, nodding in approval.
• B2: lighthearted opening skit breaks the ice, featuring rooney mara tattooing 'i'm a homophobic pig' on brett ratner's chest before shoving a lubed-up oscar statuette up his arse.
• B1: ryan gosling turns up, hammer in one hand, bullet in the other.
• B1: michael shannon wonders if anyone has yet caught wind of that storm?
• B1: michael bay rollicks in, pom poms in tow, fingers crossed for his sound designer.
• B1: everyone wonders whether the artist can be both indie spirit and mainstream spirited.
• B1: everyone wonders what "a better life" is.
• B2: jude law works furiously in the back room, fixing oscar statuettes.
• B1: jonah hill wonders where his other other seat is.
• B2: jessica chastain's year catches up with her, sleeps through ceremony.
• B2: pixar drive a giant rusty tow truck through stage, injuring hundreds.
• B1: kristen wiig shits in basin when the Comedy genre's only shot at oscar glory, original screenplay, goes to "a separation"
• B1: glenn close arrives with prosthetic penis, wonders if she'll have more of a chance in Best Actor category, where Meryl Streep will never show up.
• B1: asa butterfield wonders whether it's normal for films he stars in to not be about him by the end.
• B2: tom hanks interrupts presenters with old toy story quotes from the back and is asked to leave.
• B1: christopher plummer is seated next to max von sydow. realises max is his swedish doppleganger.
• B2: "and the academy award for best picture goes to... there's a snake in my boots!"
• B1: scorsese gets comfortable. hasn't prepared a speech. business as usual.
• B2: extremely loud and incredibly close has its best picture nomination reel played. no one applauds.
• B1: kavinsky & lovefoxxx's "nightcall" plays by accident as terrence malick wins best director. awkward silence.
• B2: all statuettes are replaced with golden fass-boners.
• B1: viggo mortensen arrives. asks academy to tell him about their Mothers.
• B2: academy play their "recently deceased" tribute. includes robert de niro.
• B2: tilda swinton drives to academy members homes, tars them with red paint.
• B1: spielberg arrives, heads straight for his gold-encrusted throne at the kodak. is politely told the academy were only keen on the horse this year. by john williams.
• B1: emma watson ponders nipslip to gain the harry potter franchise some real category legitimacy.
• B2: halftime sponsor break advertises The Help dvd for half price at Best Buy.
• B1: paul haggis arrives irrate at Help producers, claiming to have solved racism six years ago.
• B2: spielberg doesn't show. reports of decapitated horse head found in his bed.